*****MXF SPEEDWAY*****

1.24.2024 God, I havent written in here for months. Well I am back. And it is time to be sonsistant with it again. Honestly, life has been very rough lately. months of big huge bad thing after the next. I'll spare you the details for now, because it is a lot. But Grace and I are still plugging along. The sad thing is, All this stuff has kinda turned me into a rock. Just a hard little rock that can't do anything except for what it has to do at that moment. All the fun extra things I loved to do, all my friends, just relaxing and keeping up with wrestling. That all faded away. I think it has just been survival mode. Everything dissappeared. It makes me feel like a piece of shit but that is what i did to get thru this stuff. it won't last forever, but it feels pretty bad right now.

9.20.2023 no, I haven't forgotten about this blog. Just got real busy. Between work, Grace getting hand surgery, projects, and osha visiting, I have been real busy. Back to the daily updates for sure. See ya tomorrow.

Well, this is a first. I may have fractured my tow today. I mega stubbed it on grace's foot and it made a super loud pop. Then it was sore all day. When I got home I took my shoe off to find that it is completly red and black. That is pretty cool. What's next? I don't wanna know

In good news, I got my zeal back for my job. It feels good. Just had to go thru the 11 rings of hell to get here. Whatever, I am happy again. That is what is most important.

yesterday grace turned 34. We had a great day. Spent the moring at this cool french bakery, resteraunt, coffee shop. They we bought a used cabinet for the bathroom. After a frustrating drive in horrible traffic we hung out at my parents for a few hours. My parents love grace more than me so they had a wonderful time. Then finally around 7:30 we went to the drive-in, which i had rented just for Grace. She got to pick the movies, which she chole The Warriors and Heathers. it was pretty incredible to watch those with just our friends at the massive drive-in. Life is short. The time we do have is hard. You gotta show the people you love just how much they matter. Grace had a great birthday. it was a pretty amazing day.

8.27.2023 Gosh, I took a diary breat. It has been one hell of an up and down week. Last sunday was great. Very productive. Grace and I had the day off and worked on tons of stuff. The next day I was exhausted, took two naps. I am guessing it was part from being so busy all the time and part from taking a day off my ritalin. I think I really needed those naps.

Last tuesday I was kinda stoked to go to work. As you know, work has been stressful lately. Well, I had my annual review, which was glowing. And I got a one dollar raise, which is bullshit. That is what I got last year when we were over staffed. I do a lot more now, and I deserve more money. But I just acted happy with the raise and left. Left fucking pissed and ready to quit. And that is kinda how I felt the rest of the workweek. Just not happy to be there at all. It is heartbreaking. I love that place. it just kinda nailed me the second I saw that one dollar raise. I gotta go. They don't really care if I am there or not. I know some people do but when it comes down to dollars and cents I aint important.

On wednesday I had a meeting with John, the store manager. We talked outside for about 20 minutes. And we talked like friends. I didn't hold back my feelings at all. It was nice to be honest. And he helped me feel better about it all. That guy rules. I love him so much. I feel so lucky to have him in my life

So at this point I don't know what I am going to do. Already applied to a few places. I wanna stay there forever but it is just not possible. These things are never easy, but it will work out. I'll figure it out.

TODAY was awesome. Day one of my weekend. Grace and I met up with her mom and her mom's husband and we went bowling. I bowled a 120 and a 130. After that Grace and I went to the Western Idaho fair. We cooked in the sun, wrode rides, and watched people. It ruled. Real weird last day of the fair energy. Grace and I needed it.

It is real hard to stop and smell the roses. Dreams often get in the way. I'll just file this time away and be even better for the future. (PS this website doesn't have spell check. I am just going to let all them typos ride. Live free or die)

8.19.2023It's my friday. Thank god. They weeks seem to crawl and fly by. All I want is to wake up with grace and have coffee in the garden. That's it. At this point in my life something so simple sounds perfect. Kinda like tonight, It's saturday. I could go out and do anything I want. But instead I am going to lay in bed and read a book. I know this is no profound discovery, but it just feels good to let yourseld soak in the simple things. - Big post tomorrow. Book time.

8.17.2023 Pretty cool day in a way. I got to watch a reading by the guitar player from mud honey. he is a friend of my work and did a reading from his new memoir. Then I got home and started working on transfering vhs. I bought this cool little box that transfers tapes so easily. it is awesome. So get ready for some horribly hard to watch old shit.

8.16.2023 I dunno who, if anyone, reads this. But if you do you are probably sick of me bitching about work. I am sick of thinking about it. I'll get back to the work drama tomorroe

After work today I got Nachos with cam. That was my entire day not related to working. Right now I plan on finishing the dishes and then watching the first Final Destination movie. Cool stuff huh?

8.14.2023 thank the lord, grace's Horror Fashion Review event went off without a hitch. over 50 people paid to see Killer Klowns and hear a live HFR reading. everything worked out perfect. no technical issues, nothim. it was awesome. huge thanks toAlex for helping out a ton withthe audio stuff.

back towork tomorrow. i have a feeling that it will be a hard week. wish me luck.

Devin told me trump got busted for somethin? time to get high and read the good news.

8.13.2023 God it felt good to sleep in knowing I didn't have to sleep today. I never wanted to get out of bed. After dragging my ass up Grace and I ran around town a bit, met Alex at Spacebar and set up for the event tomorrow, then came home and worked on our projects. It felt like sunday. A real weekend day. I needed that so bad.

8>12>2023You know what? I actually felt pretty good today. Maybe it was a fluke, or maybe I tried to keep my mind from getting shitty. Whatever, I am just happy I stayed happy. And now it is my weekend. Grace and I will be working on stuff for her Killer event this monday night. I have lots of art stuff I gotta get in order. pretty excited about all this. But that all starts tomorrow. Tonight, it is time to get stoned and read. America's passtime.

8.11.2023 I feel like today was a success. Sure, I got real moody and depressed there for a while. But somehow I managed to turn it around and not stay a bitch all day. After work I met up with Grace and Alex at the arcade and we hung loose. We got to see the awesome shirts specially made for Grace's event this coming monday. Nothing big happened at all. But I worked hard and managed to keep my mood in check. That is what I call a success.

8>10>2023 Not a very exciting day. I worked, worked my ass off. Got shit done. Boring stuff

Grace fainted in the kitchen. We don't know why. She is in ben now watching Killer Klowns for the 3rd time this week. Also, I bashed the back of my head on the under side of a table. So we are down for the count today. Sometimes the lord tells you it is time to chill, sometimes you gotta listen.

8.9.2023 Still cruzin. I feel like I just blasted thru the day. Whatever is giving me the motivation to constantly be flying forward has not slowed down. Sometimes running from pain can have some good results. I used to starve myself when times were tough. I would chain smoke cigs and not eat and just feel like a piece of shit. Thank god I have moved on. now I just hardly eat and keep as busy as possible. Will I crash and burn? No, I don't think so. But i do think that soon it will be time to really stop, look around, and breathe again.

It has been such a weird year. 5 months ago my grandma was alive, Mmy cousin Stacy was alive, I hadn't almost died, my parents were happy. 5 months ago things were very different. Also 5 months ago Alex and Joe/Julie/James hadn't moved here yet. I sometimes feel guilty for forgetting how great I have it. But it is easy to forget the wonderful while being followed by the horrible. That is something I try so hard to balance. Every day I try to stuff it down enough to get things done, make others happy, and not let that bad shit creep in. I am good at it. But it has consequence. A lot of the things that used to feel so fun or important are things I don't care about anymore. That's probably normal. Things change. It is just kinda sad

But listen. I am good. Proud of myself for getting my shit together over the last few years. Proud of myself for really working on my brain. And still, even with some huge setbacks, I am getting better every day.

8.8.2023 Today I start a new position at work. I am recieving. It should be easy but it aint. Every distributor has different quirks. Also we use a DOS program as our pos so you have to be exactly right or nthing works. Wish me luck!

Last sunday i did another subbing spot on radio boise. It was my first show alone so it was scary and extra fun. If you wanna hear it this is the link. https://tinyurl.com/3mktzdpj

Maybe I didn't explain this blog to you before. over the past 22 or so years I have had, on and off, a daily diary blog for only my closest friends. Lately I have felt like I needed the outlet. It is a good way to get stuff out, stay connected with friennds, and have stuff to look back on in the future. Years ago a bunch of my friends also had a daily diary blog and it was super fun to all keep up together. YOU SHOULD START ONE PLEASE.

Ok, gotta go clean the house, print cd covers, start my new job at work, close the store, go to band pratice, and then read boring books till I fall asleep. Manic monday.

8.7.2023 It was a tough day today. You would hope your "sunday" would be either relaxing or fun. Today was really not relaxing, and the fun came in the middle of not fun. I drove out to Nampa to take my nephew out for a post birthday hang. He turned 6 a few days ago and I couldn't make it out to see him. So I went out today for some one on one time. He and my niece were at my parents house. When I got there it was sad. My mom gave me the download of life as of lately and none of it was good. My uncle lives with them now after the passing of my grandma in march, and it has been extremly hard on them. My dad is not doing well with it all. it all is really ripping them apart. So I took both of the kids and we got out of there. It seemed like my parents could use the break, and the kids could too. We went to the library, a video game store, a mexican market, and some thrift stores. It seemed like they almost didn't know what to do with themselves just hanging out and not being on tablets constantly. Really tho, I had a great time hanging out with the kids. After we got back my mom made me some fake chicken nuggies and I had to rush off to get grace at work and take her to a hair appointment.

I sat in on the appointment. That is a whole other long story that I'll spare you on. I did my therapy appointment by phone in the car during a mega rain storm. It was weird and the storm reflected how I have been feeling recently. But it was time to suck it up because we had to rush off to meet Jodie, Will and my other niece Quinn to see the new TMNT movie. That has been a running theme lately, suck it up. Every fucking day.

Well, the movie completly ruled. It was great wo watch it with a 6 year old kid who loves the turtles. And it was just a great movie with awesome animation. I think the levity was something Grace and I really needed. Go watch that movie asap please

Time for bed. Time to read. I have recently been not looking at my tablet while in bed. It is boring but good for me , I guess. So I get high and read stuff every night. Being healthy sucks.

SIDE NOTE. I don't feel like I have been a very good friend this year. I kinda fell off the face of the earth. It is a combonation for a few different things all coming together which makes me a ghost. I would say it is grief, running from grief, taking more ritalin so I am constantly busy and avoiding grief. I just want you to know that I love you and I am sorry for being so quiet. I am working on getting better.

8.6.2023 Ok. I made a new one. I wanted to have a daily blog again that was simple, dumb, and free. So i found this weird geocities ripoff page and now I am happy. It is html, which I don't know. But that is much better for me than modern website builders. I don't want a professional business site. I want this shit. So I am happy now. And away we gooooooo

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